Be kind to yourself

    I sat down at my laptop for my regular medication appointment. I knew this appointment was going to be different, and not just because this was my first time having a doctor’s appointment over Zoom. Today, I had to talk. 

    My medication appointments normally played out as:

        “How’s it been going since we last spoke?”

        “Great! Work, grad school, new house, pictures of dogs, etc…”

        “That’s awesome! How are your anxiety and OCD symptoms? Any changes? Any challenges?”

        “Nope! Feeling great. Gotta get back to work though.”

I’d been on the same medication and dosage for over 3 years and had “graduated” to only seeing my Nurse Practitioner once every three months. After prior years of misdiagnoses and exhausting medication changes, I was proud of my stability and use of coping skills. 

    I was nervous for this appointment though; the COVID-19 outbreak and the resulting changes in my daily life had been really tough on my mental health, and up until now, the only people who knew about my spike in anxiety were my husband and my mom. I knew that putting it into words to a mental health professional would make my challenges feel more real. 

    

    My Nurse Practitioner logged on, and my heart began to race. She started off with the usual, 

        “How’s it been going since we last spoke?”

        “Honestly, not great. I’ve really been struggling. My anxiety is high, my OCD rituals are becoming         more frequent, I’ve been having bad dreams and can’t fall asleep, and I’ve been crying a lot.”

As I said what had been going on, I had a lump in my throat. I was brought back to when I was sick. While I knew that she wasn’t going to recommend hospitalization, I had the familiar feeling of vulnerability and loss of control. 

    She calmly explained that a lot of people have been going through a “rough patch” with their mental health issues. We’re living through an abnormal situation that is changing our perception of safety and is disrupting our daily routines that keep us feeling well. When she explained it like this, I felt less alone. This was not a relapse, a fault, or a new diagnosis; it is a rough patch, and it is a typical reaction to the stress of what the world is enduring. She refilled my “as needed” medication in case I felt I needed it, and she went up one milligram on my medication for nighttime anxiety. She then suggested we meet once a month until I’m feeling back to my baseline. I was okay with this plan. 

    This appointment didn’t cure me or solve any problems, but it reminded me to be honest about my mental health and that it’s okay to struggle. You are not defined by your mental health needs or your ability to cope without talking about it. It’s okay not not always feel okay. Be kind to yourself.